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"...self-indulged, narcissistic little girl.." [Mar. 18th, 2007|10:14 am]
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[☣ Mood |stressedstressed]
[☣ Music: |organ grinder- marilyn manson]

well, i've changed my image a lot, more than i even thought of i guess..

but im still not satisfied!

i want more.

next hair color im thinking of is either a bright cobalt blue, or black with acid green and hot pink highlights.
and maybe even a new piercing, of course im changing my age old lip ring to a circular barbell, and maybe get a double nose piercing..
who knows!

my parents, they're bitter towards me now, i think they've finally forgotten me.  i know its sad, but its more angry for me.

i dont want to be forgotten! hell, i've been forgotten for most of my life! my childhood was filled with confused thoughts (because my parents never told me basics or anything) and i was deserted, my only friends were the fucked up children who were just like me, but it changed when they moved away, all of them did.

now im stuck here, with more fucked up kids that are moving away, or am i just getting bored of them? i think its both, i think i hate them, and want them to hurry and move.

i got a boyfriend, nice isnt it? to be loved by someone? well i'll tell you it is.

but somehow im still not satisfied..i think im not satisfied with myself. i want to be better, i want to be beautiful, i want to be strange in appearance, so that i'll be known, and not so easily forgotten...

what will it take for my parents to see me?


the boy [Mar. 11th, 2007|10:42 am]
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[☣ Mood |sicksick]
[☣ Music: |beauty through broken glass- eyes set to kill]

i met a boy,

he was the strangest, ruthless, most cutest guy that everyone wanted.

he tries to find himself amongst everyone i guess, i always admired from far away.
i loved this boy, from the start i guess, when i first saw him.

i never spoke of it, if i did i would lose a friend.

but one day i did speak, and i said to him, i love you. i said it through anything, no matter who was around, what kind of trouble i was in, and he said it back.

now, we're together, and i couldnt be happier.

"i dont know about true love, but i really think this is it."


something good.. [Jan. 13th, 2007|10:52 am]
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[☣ Mood |chipperchipper]
[☣ Music: |fly me away- goldfrapp]

i'm getting happier!!!

i dont know why...but i am!!!!

im sorry for everything i say and do dylon, i never wanted to hurt you.


about my state of mind [Dec. 21st, 2006|12:50 pm]
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[☣ Mood |gigglygiggly]

this past week has been, very different for me..

i go through all these mood swings, and these feelings and changes of personality. then i feel like im on drugs all the time...

its weird, i'll tell you..

i watched a person shoot up heroin, and i felt the needle go into my arm, i felt it in me, and then i was high. im getting addicted to things i've never done.

all the drugs, i feel a need to them, i need them.

im like a junkie, a slut for them.

like a pinion, i'll do what im told to..just for a little bit of..


(no subject) [Dec. 14th, 2006|06:01 pm]
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[☣ Mood |listlesslistless]
[☣ Music: |placebo- drag]

i've been losing myself again.

and its not just my sanity anymore, its my friends.

they're dropping like flies, and im digging my own grave foot by foot.

everything just turning to shit. and i cant get anything anymore, its too hard. 

fuck its just...really weird.


(no subject) [Nov. 21st, 2006|06:38 pm]
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[☣ Mood |uncomfortableuncomfortable]
[☣ Music: |Nine inch nails- the becoming]

-i got my lip pierced, and i say, it looks fabulous.

people, have been extremely rude to me, and still are. i find it somewhat amusing to see this one girl in particular get very jealous in about 6 seconds when im talking to her boyfriend, who happens to be my best friend.
she thinks im trying to steal him away from her, and, part is right, but not in the way it seems.
shes a bad influence on him, he doesnt see that, and shes very controlling,, not to mention evil, stupid and a bitch.

it seems like i have less and less friends everyday.

with no way of getting away from depression and anger.

and this one guy, my friend per say, has certain things to say to me now.

they are very disturbing to me, and i'd wish he'd stop you know?

i danced with him in the school's dance, and we were under this mistletoe thing..so i kissed him, just for that reason. i was in a crazy mood and i ment NOTHING by it, i even told him.
he asked me out the next day, i said no.

then today he goes up to me and says "i dont know why but i cant stop thinking about you since the dance, and i really want to make out with you, so what do you think? its either that or sex"

im just like..."what? im not even going to think about it"

way to violate me.

i've become more feminist now, and i say, that was the most turn offing thing anyone has ever said to me.

and its hopefully the last time.

ew, some men are disgusting.


an update with some sense. [Nov. 16th, 2006|05:50 pm]
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[☣ Mood |calmcalm]
[☣ Music: |satellite of love- lou reed]

have you ever got that feeling when you wake up and you're so energetic and hyper? and you're happy and love everything all at once and never want to stop saying "i love you" and hugging people?

well, thats been happening to me a lot this week...and then after i get really numb and dont say anything, let alone touch anyone.

something is definitely wrong,,,i just havent figured it out yet.



onto other things..i still havent gotten my lip pierced, damn parents. and then i want to dye my hair..i just dont know what color...or colors. n.n 
then i want to change my style, like vintage or something. like from the 60's and 70's, but then i still want to dress like i do now, gothic. which is kind of strange....but i do like colors sometimes.
or maybe thats just a change in myself...liking other things.

seems like im changing more than i though, though i wish somethings would be more noticeable -coughbreastscough-

but oh well, nature has its way.

if you cant love me for the outside, then dont love me at all.



(no subject) [Oct. 9th, 2006|05:14 pm]
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[☣ Mood |contentcontent]
[☣ Music: |angelspit- nurse grenade]

i might get a cat...

all my life i always wanted a pet, so i wouldnt be so lonely..

and if i get one i want it to be a black cat, or a white cat..

a boy kitty

named belladonna

i think its a cute name...even if its a girls name.

i dont care, its my beautiful pet.


(no subject) [Sep. 9th, 2006|01:23 am]
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[☣ Mood |apatheticapathetic]
[☣ Music: |none]

" we all strive for the perfection we can never have "

that quote is a good one for me, for right now at least.
if you find me an enigma, the quote should tell you a lot more about me than what it already does.

its what i want.

but sadly its what i'll never have. spare me those thoughts of "you already are perfect." or the famous one with my family, "you dont need to lose weight you're skinny, and you're so pretty."

im NOT skinny, im NOT pretty. im NOT beautiful, im NOT PERFECT.

"oh but nobody is perfect."

YES, some people are, and i hope they die. i hope they die in such a painful way. 
see, some people are fourtunate because they are born skinny,and confident. 

another thing i wasnt blessed with. i keep thinking back to when i was in sunday school, how they always said not to envy people, and then they listed every sin like that.
its funny, i think like sins. i want sins, I am sins.

i want it, i want it so bad but i can never get it can i? No, i cant have the boy i love, i couldnt have the girl i loved, i cant be skinny, i cant be smart, i cant be flawless, i cant be liked, i cant be loved, i cant have anyone to love, i cant have confidence, i cant have smartness, i cant have a best friend, i cant be where i want, i cant trust anyone, i cant trust myself, i cant have the power to do stuff, i cant stop thinking, i cant stop regretting, i cant stop greifing, i cant stop worrying, i cant stop feeling numb, i cant stop hating, i cant stop envying, i cant stop eating, i cant stop wanting to hurt, i cant stop myself from hurting, i cant be perfect, i cant be flawless.

i cant.

i want to, i want to so badly...but..

everything i wanted to write has not come out, i cant find the words i truely want to say. some things have not been said, so dont say you know what i'm going through.
dont say those stupid things.
better yet..

dont say anything.


(no subject) [Sep. 2nd, 2006|09:31 am]
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[☣ Location |computer]
[☣ Mood |blahblah]
[☣ Music: |use your fist and not your mouth-MM]

Bah Bah Bah, nothing interesting here.


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